People & Society

There are so many thoughts swirling around in my brain just waiting to find their way to the written page. Books that are begging to be written, blogs that are oozing out my ears, and burdens that are lying heavy on my heart. There is some levity that I’d love to address in all of the topics that invade my mind, “for I dearly love to laugh,” but right now, laughing doesn’t seem appropriate. So at a later date, I will digress to laughter, but for now the words life and choice draw us to a more serious discussion.

I was twenty when I had an abortion. It was late in October 2001 when I believed I was going to a routine, but important, appointment. I was just about 16 weeks along in a pregnancy that I was not ready for and did not necessarily want. Everything surrounding this pregnancy was scary. I was a young newly-wed, naive and floundering. I had moved to a new city, with a new family, and not many friends. We lived in a tiny apartment and were both still in school trying to achieve our educational goals. I promised my family: If I married my true love, I would absolutely not become a statistic and drop out of college. I would not get distracted. I would follow my dreams and support him, and we would live happily ever after. We married in summer of 2001 and by fall of 2001, the world changed.

It was about 6 in the morning. John’s phone rang and I heard his mom’s voice tell him to turn on the news. September 11, 2001. I remember holding a pillow over my belly thinking: “What is going on? We cannot bring a child into this world!” The world hasn’t been the same since. I haven’t been the same since. All of September I wrestled with not wanting the baby that was growing in my womb and maybe not even wanting to subject a child to the insanity that is the world. We told our families and everyone was supportive. The amount of love that we have surrounding our lives is astronomical. It wasn’t until the end of September that I started to get excited. I had moved from afraid to acceptance to excitement. John was going to be an AMAZING dad.

When I went into the doctor’s office for an ultrasound, after some spotting, I found out that my baby hadn’t formed correctly and there was no heartbeat. Apparently, I had miscarried weeks before, but my body was unable to resolve the pregnancy on its own. I had a slight fever and was starting to show signs of infection. My doctor explained that I needed a D&C (dilation and curettage). This procedure would clean out my uterus, thus freeing me from the pregnancy. What I didn’t know, was that I would be experiencing the same procedure as an abortion.

Well, sort of. Back in the early 2000s, the coding for the procedures was the same, if not extremely similar. I had experienced what the medical community would term a spontaneous abortion. My body had aborted the pregnancy and the life inside of me was no longer here on earth. The term abortion was so negative and egregious to me, that even though I knew I wasn’t killing my child, I still felt like I was doing something wrong. What I have learned is that now, a D&C performed for a miscarriage is no longer equated with an abortion. It’s called an extraction. Extraction of the spontaneously aborted pregnancy. Words have power.

My emotions were all over the place. I was grieving for a baby that I had just begun to be excited to get to know. I felt shame and guilt for all of the minutes I had wasted thinking I didn’t want her, couldn’t handle being a mother, and wasn’t ready to give up my dreams. I felt like I needed to pretend I was OK because John seemed to be just fine like it was no big deal. My parents came up from LA the day I had my procedure and we went to dinner and a movie. I literally left the hospital, went to our apartment to take a shower, and we went out. All of it is still a blur in my mind. I can’t even tell you what movie we saw or where we ate!

After it was done, no one really talked about her, or it. Truth be told, I really have no evidence to support that she was a she, but I just know. I named her Hope. I grieved in silence for the little life we would have had. I grieved for my naive understanding of the word abortion and what I equated to my actions. I mean, had I willed it? Didn’t I say I didn’t want the pregnancy?

Twenty years have given me perspective, peace, and purpose. I have had three pregnancies and I have two living children. I am a part of a large group of women who have lost pregnancies. I am a part of a large group of women who have a lopsided statistic of pregnancies to births. This small blip in my repro-story is by no means unique. What is unique, is the way that it has changed me. I am much more empathetic to women who struggle with unwanted and unexpected pregnancies. I feel deeply in my soul for the woman who plans her ways, only to see her plans go up in flames. My heart for the unborn was set ablaze when I lost the baby I had originally said I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for.

Dearly loved readers, it is true that often our experiences shape our opinions on many matters. However, we must not let our experiences shape our understanding of what is true. We must let truth define our actions. Jesus says: “I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life…” If Christ IS the truth, then we must let him and his word define what truth is and how we respond in all things. His word says: “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you…” (Jeremiah 1:5). Words matter. that little word “before” has so much significance. Life begins before conception. We are known before we are formed. Our creator has a plan for every second that we will ever know. Every second that my Hope was with me was known, not only while I was pregnant, but before she was conceived, and even now, twenty years later. While I will never know her this side of heaven, she is known. All of this truth is what shapes the perspective that gives me peace and now a purpose. A baby is never a burden; A baby is ALWAYS a blessing. Pregnancy may be a consequence (a naturally ordered reaction to a cause put in motion), but the baby in that pregnancy is never to be seen as something that is punitive. YOUR plans may have to change, but God’s plans have always been in motion (Proverbs 16:9). Don’t you know that the Lord’s plans are better than yours anyway? Have you not learned from your own experiences? Sometimes we cannot see it. In fact, there are many places in our journey that we may not understand this side of heaven, but we can rest assured that God is working things out for our good (Romans 8:28).

I know that I will never be able to convince anyone of anything with my words. I know that I will never be able to convince anyone of anything with my actions. The only one who has the power to change hearts and minds is the Holy Spirit. However, sharing my experiences and using my words to point to the creator of the universe is something that I want to do every day as long as I have breath. And living out the gospel by doing good in every situation I am in is my worship. I share all of this with you because I see a need for a voice of truth basked in the love of Jesus (Ephesians 4:15). I see a need to point to how and when we can consider it pure joy when we face hard things (James 1:2-4). I am passionate about words and actions lining up with the truth of the gospel. I hope that my testimony sparks questions and prompts a search for answers in scripture.

I will end with a little bit of levity, because, why not?! I wrote in my first paragraph that writing and publishing have long been a desire of mine. I really do have so much to share. But, the funniest thing happened as I was swiping through the stories on Instagram and it is genuinely the reason that I was prompted to start today. I counted sixteen. Sixteen alternating and opposing viewpoints as far as the recent decision by the SCOTUS is concerned. One pro-life, the next pro-choice, until I reached sixteen. It was wild! I wasn’t sure what it meant, but I took it as a compliment. I think that it means I have a vast and varied people group surrounding me. I have so many voices that are a part of my life. I truly love it. I hate conflict, but I’ve never really minded confrontation. I think true confrontation and a true discussion on things can lead to a truly deep understanding of who God has created us to be. I genuinely love learning more about everyone. Ok, so here is when it gets funny. One post said: “If you are a woman who has ever faced miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, rape, incest, or any other type of repro-trauma, now is the time for your voice to be heard!” I thought, “OK, maybe I can share my story.” The very next post, I kid you not, was: “If you do not have a uterus, you have no right to speak into this issue.” I thought: “Uh, I guess that shut me up!” I had a hysterectomy ten days before I read the post. I am currently 16 days sans uterus. My voice is simultaneously needed AND has no right to enter into the conversation. And with that, I will end this verbose first post.