People & Society

Have you seen de-motivational posters? They are hilarious. This one on optimism got me good. Articles on toxic-positivity keep popping up in my feeds, and I would say that I’m surprised, but let’s be honest, if you know me, you are probably thinking: “Well, that’s appropriate!” One of my co-workers dubbed me the cotton-candy tornado. I stir things up, but I am annoyingly sweet while I’m doing it. In high school, girls hated me because, and I quote, I was “annoyingly too nice.” To this day, I can see and feel the eye-rolls when I try to turn lemons into lemonade. I want to say that this is hurtful, but honestly, I own it. I own it like this poster. If I am in control of wrecking my own day, no one else has the ability to. My self-delusional tendencies to believe that I am the master of my own experience knows no limits.

It’s all too true that it doesn’t take me long to see the good in hard things. I have conditioned myself to move quickly from disappointment to gratitude. In fact, at my last therapy appointment, I was challenged to consider that I use forgiveness as a weapon. Not to hurt people with, but to protect myself from feeling pain. I was encouraged to sit with my four-year-old self and think about all the ways that, since childhood, I have quickly forgiven things that hurt, so I could avoid the consequences. Not only have forgiveness, optimism, and flexibility become coping mechanisms, but I have realized that they actually satiate my pathological need for control. I told my therapist: “Thank you for the homework, but I’m not interested in that just now.” She said: “Sounds good, call me when you are ready.” I haven’t called yet – but apparently I have been thinking about it quite a lot.

Am I quick to forgive, because I genuinely have practiced and I know how much I have been forgiven? Am I quick to see God’s hand in hard things because I have genuinely seen him work miracles in impossible circumstances? Is my easy going and amenable persona a nod to my ability to trust God with the changes in my life? I would like to tell you the answer is an emphatic yes – but I think it is yes… AND no.

I do know how much I have been forgiven, and that does make it easier to move toward forgiving others. I have seen God’s goodness in even the worst of circumstances and that does make it easier to believe that his goodness will continue in hard things present and future. I am flexible because I do trust that God will be with me wherever I go and that it really doesn’t matter where that is; in fact, sometimes it’s more fun to just not plan and let things happen and just see how they turn out for good. However, there are two sides to every coin. I don’t think this makes me, or any of us, hypocrites, it solidifies my humanity and is a reminder that I need a savior.

Forgiving others is a good thing (actually a command), but not if you don’t process what is needing to be forgiven. It is good to sit in the hurt for a while and work through why it hurts so bad. Understanding what you are forgiving and why is key to true forgiveness. Otherwise you are shoving it in a closet only to be brought out again when a similar situation arises. There is a cost to hurting others and being hurt. If we don’t evaluate the cost, how can we truly understand the value of the forgiveness offered? I have a tendency to forgive fast, and even give more of myself to someone who has hurt me, because it puts me in the driver seat. If I forgive, I own the feelings and the situation. If I move forward first, then the illusion of control solidifies my ability to hold myself together. Thus revealing my propensity toward self-sufficiency instead of relying on God for all my needs. So, while it may seem like I am being kind and loving, I am actually hurting myself (and possibly others, because they deserve an opportunity to process things, too) and distancing myself from a right relationship with God.

Rose-colored glasses. I have been accused of wearing them my entire life. It is true that I want to see the world for what it could be, not always for what it is. There is a lot of yuck and if I can make it better in any way, I truly want to. I am a firm believer that people like me, who see the world for what it can be, must surround themselves with people who see the world for what it is. We need each other. I need to hear the harsh realities of all the things, and others need to be reminded that life is not all doom and gloom. We can get stagnant in both places. Thinking everything is always sunshine and roses is to deny real experiences of pain. Thinking everything is always doom and gloom is to deny real experiences of pleasure. Life is both pain and pleasure. We wouldn’t know one without the other.

Accepting change and growing forward is very different than avoiding expectations so you can never be disappointed. I tend to claim the former but deep down the later is more of a reality. Outwardly, they look the same. I may look like I can pivot easily and am good at rising from the ashes, but it’s like a switch in my brain: “Downshift and recalibrate so that you adjust and it doesn’t bug you!” The trouble is, it’s OK to let something bug you and to be disappointed. It’s part of life. Now, if you sit in it forever and Eeyore is your doppelganger, you might want to reconsider your life choices. However, realistic expectations while holding loosely to the plan and outcome is the real key. “The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9. Make a plan, have the highest expectations, celebrate when things go well, but remember who is really in control. If it goes well, Praise the Lord! If it goes to pot, Praise the Lord!

Here is what I know: It’s glorious living in a world where seeing a rainbow-unicorn-butterfly is a possibility. It’s less painful to jump straight from hurt to healed than to actually go through the healing process. It’s a hoot flying by the seat of your pants with no expectations hoping for the best. It’s just not REAL. The truth is that there are no such things as rainbow-unicorn-butterflies, life hurts, and we will be let down. The truth is I am not in control. The truth is beautiful and freeing. While I may be flawed, I have faith in the one who is without flaw. So today, I will sit a bit with my broken while I praise God that he loves me enough to show me all the ways I need healing. Finally doing some homework.