People & Society

Hi, my name is Aubri and the Lord is recovering me from fear of abandonment and co-dependency. If I was going through ReGen, this would be my opening line. I mean, let’s face it, God is recovering me from MUCH more than just two things, but these roots run deep. I mentioned my Friday post would be about something the Lord has done in my life (Monday can be about things he is doing right now). I am choosing to discuss my deep-seated issues. The ones that stem from my earliest memories.

A quote on Instagram yesterday prompted me to write about this. It read: “Admitting our weaknesses does not lead to rejection but to deeper relationships” (Thompson, Proverbs31ministries). My soul wrestles with this on a daily basis. As one of those people who wear their emotions on their face and their heart on their sleeve, it’s pretty safe to say that I don’t struggle with pretense. The disheveled and distracted mess that is my life is usually on display for all to see. No one would ever mistake me for being one of those women who have it all together, but has my persona led to deeper relationships?

One of my most precious students sent me a text on my birthday telling me that I was such an example to her of what a Proverbs 31 woman looked like. I showed John and we both just started laughing. We went straight to scripture and read it, looking for the things that I am doing well, and looking for the things that just need a little work. There were definitely more things to work on than things I exhibit, but it was a fun exercise that I do not recommend. (Plus, I’m pretty sure that this is a list of attributes of many women, and like Elizabeth Bennet says: “I never saw such woman, she would surely be a fearsome thing to behold.” I mean, it is a mother telling her son what to look for in a wife, and isn’t it true that no one is good enough for a mother’s son? Oh well, a thought for another blog.) It’s not that I don’t want to be these things, but rather I don’t come by them naturally like I explained last week. I am, however, a woman who fears the Lord, and that (apparently) deserves some praise.

My fear of abandonment has been the cause of my co-dependent tendencies. A vicious cycle. It is tough to live in a head that is always worried about how people could just up and leave you. So, the best way to make sure they don’t is to make sure they need me. I’ve needed them to need me. The saddest part is that no one has ever left me! John is faithful, my children love me, my family and John’s family take me as I am, and my friends are fantastic. So, why have I been so worried about just waking up one morning and finding everyone has disappeared?

Years of therapy have explained that this likely stems from being a child of divorce. My parents are great and I have never lacked love. Nothing is their fault and I do not blame them for my issues. My insecurities are a result of my life experiences, just like everyone else on the planet. It doesn’t help to place blame, rather finding understanding should be the goal. I am an only child who has three sisters, a brother, four parents, two households, and a partridge in a pear tree. I’m an oldest and an only. Birth order theoreticians would have a fun time figuring out my personality. It’s why on those tests I often score high in two very different categories. I don’t think I’ll ever really know if I’m a 7 or a 2 on the Enneagram, I’m an extroverted introvert or ambivert if you will (49/51), ENFJ and INFP are the two scores I have received from Myers Briggs, I scored 100% in both Harmonizer and Achiever in the YUD (while two other categories were in the 90% range and I have NO attic!), I’m both a High I and an S depending on the day in the DISC profile, and when I read this back, I’m thinking: “Oof! what a mess!”

I came into the world during intense seasons of change. My most marked moments have been during intense seasons of change. Stability, consistency, and comfort are all things I have been chasing for as long as I can remember, but my life hasn’t been defined by these, but rather by overcoming. “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all” (Mulan). I’ll hold on to that Disney nugget. Perhaps hearing stories like Job’s life and watching movies like The Theif in the Night (a movie about the rapture from the 1970s) when I was a little girl, have also played a part in my fear of abandonment leading to co-dependency. Life can change in a nano-second so many of us are acutely aware. How do I avoid the pitfalls of grasping for control and comfort anywhere I can?

It’s been a process. Before I open my eyes in the morning I pray. I give it all over to Jesus. Of course, there are days that I fail and take it back and make a big fat mess of everything, but most days I am living in the truth that God is not the god of chaos, but order – no matter how crazy things seem to me, they all make sense to him. He will never leave me nor forsake me and he doesn’t need me, but he wants to be with me. Reminding myself of these things helps. Knowing the God of the universe is faithful, constant, and true grounds my soul (1 Cor. 1:9). So, even if the worst happened today and the sky fell, he would remain. No amount of grasping for control on my part will change any of that. I can rest in the peace that only comes from him (John 14:27). He is on watch. He knows it all and will be with me in it all. I can cherish each person and each moment I have because my trust is in him (Prov. 3:5-6).

What, then, has been my experience with vulnerability and rejection? Nine times out of ten my openness to discuss my weaknesses has been met with receptivity and connection. The key is knowing the right times and places to share AND to whom I am speaking. Sharing them here is much harder because I have NO idea to whom I am writing and where you are at while you are reading it. My prayer is that you will take encouragement with you from what you read. That if you are like me, you will find comfort in the community, and if you aren’t, you will at least have a better understanding of others. I’m no longer afraid of what will happen with that tenth time. I will be rejected and not everyone is going to like me. I’m an acquired taste. (I mean, I think I’m pretty great, and if they just got to know me they would love me! JK) My honesty and vulnerability are offputting to many, and I get it, but that won’t change my desire to share truth. It just changes how I share and who I share with.

If you see me at the grocery store with no makeup on and my hair in a messy bun, you are welcome to say hello. Any time you stop by, I will invite you in, make you tea (or pour you a glass of wine), push my laundry off the couch, and sit with you. I’m not embarrassed when my mess is out for all to see. I mean, I like clean houses and freshly curled hair as much as the next girl, it’s just not always my reality! Another mom and I found freedom in each other up at Hume. We were talking about how if anyone opened a closet in our house, they might be lost in an avalanche of stuff. I suggested we look in all the rooms and cupboards and closets of each other’s houses together and so we took a tour. By the end, we were laughing so hard we were crying and it was the most liberating experience I had ever had as a young mom. Find your people, love God, and live on the corner of vulnerability and rejection. There are good things to be found there.