People & Society

I do not have a gentle and quiet spirit, and I judge judgmental people. Basically, I’m a loud hypocrite. Today is about discussing the things God is doing in my heart right now, and these are the most glaring.

“Judge not lest ye be judged.” We’ve all heard the words of Jesus come out of the mouths of Christians and unbelievers alike. These are Jesus’ words. In fact, one of our pastors preached on this part of the Sermon on the Mount just two days ago. John leaned over to me and whispered about the obvious ironies of his sermon and the ones only we knew about. Spouses have secrets. I have often discussed that it might well be my biggest, most obvious sin. I get so fired up about judgmental Christians. I have been known to confront during a gossip session and make bold phone calls to point out what I see as blatant stupidity. What’s worse is that I know I am guilty of the very thing that I’m fired up about. Aren’t I, at that moment, judging?

Justification almost always follows judgment. I’m on the “right side” of the argument, so it is OK for me to point it out. After all, I’m not the one who is thinking I am better than someone else. What? OF COURSE, I AM! At that moment, I think I am better than the judge, while I am sitting in judgment of their judgmentalism. Basically, I am fundamentally flawed and disposed to dislike people who seem self-righteous. I would rather have dinner with strippers and drag-queens than go to lunch with Christian women who pretend like they have it all together. I have an easier time loving gang members and feeling solidarity with the pregnant teen than I do loving the women and men I sit next to in Church. What in the world? This is the log in my eye. This is where I am humbled most.

Of course, it is a beautiful thing that God has given me a heart for those on the fringes of society and the marginalized. I have sung since my youth group days, “break my heart for what breaks yours” and God certainly has answered this prayer of my heart. My heart is soft for the hurting. My empathy levels are off the charts. I can’t watch intense movies and dramas for this reason. I can only handle so much news. My whole body starts shaking with the hurt I see in the world. It’s not that I don’t want to know the real, I do, but I fall so deeply into the black hole of helplessness. I’m so small and the problems are so big. It’s depressing. I almost always want to pick up a hitchhiker, take home the homeless, and give rides to those at the bus stop. (One time, there was a man with a cardboard sign that read: “I bet you can’t hit me with a quarter!” This, by far, has been my favorite interaction with the needy in Fresno. He couldn’t talk much, but I gave him money and prayed for him… yes, I know the debate about how we truly care for the homeless and I know money isn’t the answer… but I was following the prompting of the Spirit at that moment! Plus, that was the best sign I have ever seen!)

One of the things that broke Jesus’ heart and fired him up was the actions and hearts of the Pharisees. So, it’s true God has even given me a heart for his anger over religious bigotry… but he also desired change. Do I just hate it, or do I desire heart change? Do I just want to point it out and pretend that I am doing a better job or do I want to love everyone in the same way? I want my heart to break for the self-righteous in the same way it breaks for those in desperate circumstances. Frozen hearts don’t thaw when met with anger. Frozen hearts thaw when met with the kindness of Christ. It’s not God’s wrath that leads us to repentance, it’s his kindness.

I have posted about how, this year, God has put it on my heart to figure out what it means to be a gentle and quiet spirit. Here is what I wrote on Facebook: “Sometimes, we need a reminder. This year, I have asked the Lord to teach me what it means to have a gentle and quiet spirit. To renew a right spirit within me. To not just exhibit peace and humility externally, but to genuinely feel it in my soul so that it oozes out of me always. Always: not just when peace comes easy and life is daisies, but when things get hard and the desire to fight in my own self-sufficiency is strong. If you know me well, then you know God is giving me LOTS of opportunities to practice. I’m learning that a gentle, quiet spirit and “meekness” have nothing to do with being silent, walked on, taken advantage of, or even submissive (in the way culture defines the words gentle, quiet, and meek). Actually, it’s a picture of a wild and beautiful stallion who exhibits all the strength and majesty of his creator to the full potential of his creation with all of the abilities which would give him reason for arrogance, pride, and self-sufficiency. YET, he has been tamed by the master to use his strength and glory for the master’s purpose. He is peaceful and approachable, wise and controlled. He is gentle, quiet, and meek… but lacking none of the wild strength or ability. THIS is a gentle and quiet spirit. Honestly, I’m not even close to having a soul like this. However, the bit is between my teeth, and the bridle is connected to the reins in the hands of the master. This is the desire of my heart. – *Side note: my husband is a phenomenal example of this. Strength and wisdom controlled by the master, ready with explosive power under the surface to be used, but gently waiting to be told when to run free.”

So, how do these fit together? Well, If I truly desire a gentle and quiet spirit (which I do), then my quickness to judge the judgmental needs to be filled with a quickness to see everyone for who God made them to be. I want to be quick to pray, quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. I want to not only fight for those who cannot fight for themselves, but also fight for those who struggle with closed eyes, ears, and hearts. My fight needs to begin in quiet places on my knees, trusting that God has a plan for all the things that are happening… even the things I think are crappy things. I’m looking forward to seeing what an Aubri with a gentle and quiet spirit looks like, and I’m praying that God would continue to refine me in the area of judging my fellow believers for their actions and words. It’s a little like trying to shove a circle into the star hole of the baby puzzle toy, but I have faith that God will continue to do the work he has started in me.